Today marks one year since our sweet Tace came into our lives. His actual birth date is tomorrow, but the Sunday before Thanksgiving is Tace's day to me as much as November 24th is. It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving last year that we found out that our sweet boy would not be coming home to stay.
I have been nervous as this day and Tace's birthday have approached. I didn't know what to expect, or how I would handle this time emotionally. I want to remember our precious boy, yet at the same time, I don't want to put myself through re-living every difficult emotion and moment of this time last year. We have been working hard on coming up with some traditions that we want to do each year around Tace's birthday to give us something to look forward to and celebrate rather than just mourning his loss (which I will post about once we've completed them), but those things won't start until this evening so I wasn't sure how this morning and afternoon would be for me.
So I went to church today...a little nervous about how my emotions might play out throughout the day. The meetings went well and emotionally, I was doing better than I thought I would. More than anything I just felt a longing for Tace, a longing for another baby, and wishing that I understood Heavenly Father's plan of why we can't have Tace in our lives at this time and why it is taking us so long to have another little one. I feel like if I could really understand why, it would make it easier to press forward because I'd know the purpose behind everything that has happened, I'd know the lessons I'm meant to learn, and I'd know when those "good things ahead" would be coming into our lives. Unfortunately, if I KNEW all of this it would eliminate the need for faith. So for now, we will keep pressing on into the unknown with faith that there really are many 'good things to come'.
In Relief Society, a sister in our ward shared part of a conference talk given in 2006 and it was exactly the message I needed to hear....especially after having all of these "why" questions rolling around in my mind. The passage she shared was from Elder Wirthlin's talk "Sunday Will Come". I want to share a few of the parts that stood out to me.
I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross...
...On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.
It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.
I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.
But the doom of that day did not endure.
The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.
And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.
Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.
But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.
No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.
That last part is the part that I needed to hear. As Elder Wirthlin said, each of us will have our "Fridays". We most definitely have. There have truly been times when we felt as though our world is falling apart and we have wondered if our hearts could ever be mended or put back together again. I can't say they are mended yet, nor do I think they will be completely until we can hold our sweet boy in our arms once more. However, the healing process is taking place and we are being strengthened and put back together a little bit at a time.
Elder Wirthlin goes on to promise us that our "
Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrows, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." I do know that our "Sunday will come". At times it is really hard to wait for it when I am so impatient to receive many of those desired blessings now. But, I do trust in Elder Wirthlin's promise. There are good things ahead for us, we will have the opportunity to be parents again, and we will get to hold Tace in our arms once more because of the blessings of the
temple.
In closing I want to share one more thought. Brian's sister, Nicole, has been so close to us throughout this trial because she was expecting at the same time that we were. She was also expecting a little boy and we had planned on Tace and Britt growing up together as the best of friends. She knew that today could be a hard day for us and she sent us an email that really touched us both. With her permission, I'd like to share the thoughts that she shared with us.
Dear Bri and Heather,
I can't even imagine what a difficult time this must be for you and a reminder of something that brings so much ache to your hearts. However, I wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and wish your sweet Tace a happy birthday. I think about him often, pretty much daily as I watch my little Britt and talk to you both.
Today (Friday) while Britt was asleep and Dev was playing, I was mopping the floor and had a Christmas music station playing in the background. The song "Breath of Heaven" came on and instantly - even unknowingly I was in tears. I had to stop to gather my emotions. I stood there and listened to the words and thought about what had brought on the intense feelings. I don't think I had really heard the song since last year when we had a special RS lesson in 11th ward the Sunday after Thanksgiving. As I sat there between Heather and Mom as someone sang these words I was overcome with emotion then. The words pricked my heart as I thought about the recent events and the many baby boys in our lives...sweet Tace, my Britt, and the baby Jesus. I sat and contemplated Mary's fear and your loss and my heart ached for your grief and the large burden you were bearing.
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now
As I have watched you both this year and talked to each of you at different times I still ache for you, but I have also learned from you and seen you turn to the Lord to move forward with grace and courage. I have watched both of you offer your lives to the Lord and go to Him for strength to follow His plan.
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place?
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of Your plan
Help me be strong, help me be, help me
I also know that because another baby boy was born a long time ago in a quiet stable that we can receive strength and there is hope and a glorious future. I know He can and does hold us together and is our light in the darkness.
Breath of Heaven, hold me together
Be forever near me, Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness
Pour over me Your holiness for You are holy
After the song and RS lesson they gave us a bookmark with this picture. I can't see it now without thinking of those baby boys and the significant role that they each play in my life. I hope as you see this picture and hear this song that it will also remind you of those baby boys and even with the pain be able to feel the love of our Savior. Happy birthday sweet Tace. We miss you.
Love you,
Nicole
Ever since that Sunday after Thanksgiving that Nicole mentioned, this song has been one of my favorites. I can't listen to it anymore without thinking of Tace and everything I was feeling that Sunday one week after we lost him. There were so many lines that I felt applied to me then, and that I feel still apply to me now. I am constantly praying for strength....I am frightened by the load I bear....I don't want to walk this trying path alone.....I need my Savior to be near me, to help me be strong, to hold me together, and to lighten my darkness. However, one line that stands out more than any of the others is "But I offer all I am for the mercy of your plan." The meaning of that line is difficult to take in at times....I know that Heavenly Father has a plan, and I know that I agreed to that plan before coming to earth. I don't understand that plan completely at this time, but I know that there are sacrifices we will all have to make. I never imagined my little boy would be one of those sacrifices I would have to make. However, I feel like through this sacrifice I have come to know, and empathize with, my Father in Heaven so much more. He was also asked to sacrifice His son for the mercy of this glorious plan. That was a very difficult sacrifice for our Heavenly Father, just as this has been a very difficult sacrifice for us. But just as there was a reason that the Savior of the world had to be sacrificed, I also know that there is a reason that our little Tace couldn't remain with us. Whether that reason is that he was needed on the other side, that Brian and I needed to learn some lessons through this trial, or a combination of both, I don't know. But I do have faith that one day I will understand and that one day I will be able to see the purpose and the higher plan behind what now seems like such an overwhelming trial. We just need to keep holding on and pressing forward with faith....and then our "Sunday" will come.
