Memorial Day

This is a few days late, but I still wanted to post these pictures from Memorial Day.  We are so grateful that his headstone was done and in on time.  It is perfect for our sweet little angel.

Our Dearest Tace,

We wanted to take a moment and tell you how much we love you.  You mean the world to us and we miss having your sweet presence here with us at this time.  However, we know that you are in a wonderful place and that you are serving our Father in Heaven.  We are so proud of you Tace!  You are our first missionary!  You are a great example to us and you are our inspiration to be better and to strive for perfection.  We can't wait until the day when we can be reunited with you once again.  Until that time, know that we love you so very much!  You are always in our thoughts and in our hearts.  Your sweet memory will never be forgotten in our home.  Thank you again for being a great example to us and for being our guardian angel.  Please be with us as often as possible and help us to feel your presence when you are near.  We love you with all our hearts!

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

Tace's headstone is in!

Tace's headstone is in!  We are so grateful it was finished and placed before Memorial Day.  We both are very happy with how it turned out.

 Tace's Headstone

Tace shares a plot with my Aunt Lysli who passed away when she was 8 months old.

  Thanks Grandma and Grandpa White for sharing this plot with us.

The original proof for the headstone.

Our Gift

For the past few months I have been reading The Work and The Glory series.  These books take the fictional Steed family through all of church history beginning in Palmyra, moving to Kirtland, Far West, Nauvoo, and on to the Salt Lake Valley.  I am reading the fifth volume right now which begins as the saints are getting ready to settle in Nauvoo, which was a swamp at the time.  The cholera and malaria epidemic hits and Nathan and Lydia Steed's three year old son, little Nathan, is hit very hard with the sickness.  As his condition worsens, his father Nathan gives him a Priesthood blessing.  Near the end of the blessing, Nathan has the feeling that his son's time on earth is drawing to a close.  The words that he spake in the end of the blessing hit me so hard because they hit so close to home.  He says:

"We know that this precious child is a gift from thee, that he was thine before he was ours.  We see so little of thy purposes and plan, but we know that all that thou doest is for our best good.  We know that thy will is what will bring us the greatest joy.  So if it is thy will...If it is thy will that this son of ours should return to thee, then...Then may we accept thy will, O Father, and be strengthened in our determination to live so that we may see this precious son again with thee and thy Son in the holy resurrection."   (pg 167)


This passage really hit me  hard and made me think about our loss in a different way.  Tace truly is a gift from our Heavenly Father and Tace was His before he was ours.  When I look at it in this way, I am so grateful that we received him as a gift at all.  I did not get nearly as much time in this mortal life with our sweet Tace as I hoped I would, but I would much rather have him for a short time here and get to have him with us throughout all eternity, than to not have had him come into our family at all.  His loss is heartbreaking, but to think of not having him at all, now or in the eternities, is incomprehensible.  I truly do know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us and that his plan will bring us great joy.  We just need to continue to rely on Him and have faith in His plan that all things which cause us sorrow now, will bring us exceedingly great joy in the eternities.


For anyone who is familiar with church history, during the cholera/malaria epidemic there was a miraculous day of healing where Joseph Smith miraculously was healed from the sickness he was suffering and went around to others in need for the rest of the day and everyone he blessed was instantly healed.  Hundreds were healed that day.

In this book, this day occurs just a few days after little Nathan passed away.  Nathan and Lydia's infant daughter was also suffering from the sickness and was on the verge of death when Joseph came and blessed their daughter to be made whole.  Lydia struggles with the knowledge that if Joseph had been well a few days sooner, he could have blessed and saved her little Nathan.  She wants to know why Heavenly Father didn't allow her son to be saved.  This is what Joseph says to her in response:

"The Lord has other purposes in life besides punishment.  He takes many away in infancy that they may escape the envy of man and the sorrows and evils of this present world.  They were too pure, too lovely to live on earth....And if that's true--and it is!--then rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice.  First because a child like your little Nathan is delivered from evil, and second because you shall soon have him again....All children are redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ.  They have no sin or uncleanness in them, and the moment they leave this world, they are taken to the bosom of Abraham....Your son is now in the bosom of Abraham.  He's in paradise.  He is assured a place in the celestial kingdom.  Would you call him back from that?"  (pg 193-194)

This passage also really stood out to me.  It reminded me that we do have reason to rejoice.  We have reason to rejoice because Tace has been delivered from the evils of this world and we do have the knowledge that we will get to have him again.  As Joseph said in this story, our sweet Tace was too pure and too lovely to live on this earth.  He is perfect, he is with his loving Heavenly Father, and he is assured a place in the celestial kingdom.  Would I call him back from that?  No.  While we still miss him every day, I wouldn't call him back from such a perfect paradise.  He is in the place that we are all striving towards.  He has already accomplished the main goal that I hope all of our future children will accomplish...a place in the celestial kingdom.   We can rejoice that we were blessed with such a pure spirit for a son.  He truly is a gift from our Heavenly Father...one of the greatest gifts we will ever receive.

We love you Tace.

5 months

As of today we have been missing our sweet Tace for the same amount of time that we looked forward to his coming. Five months ago today, we said hello and goodbye to our sweet angel. And for the five months before that we looked forward with great anticipation to the day he would come into our family. It is amazing how those two time frames seem so different in length.

There is a short passage that I have seen a couple of times since losing Tace last November that I have come to love. It is called "The White Rose".

The White Rose

By, Myrna Cox

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s Garden of flowers; those

beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth, were nurtured and

tended in the garden. A loving father spoke to the Mothers; “See the works of

my hands, someday you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits,” the garden

glowed with the mixture of all kinds and colors.

“Choose Ye,” He said, Now in the East corner of the garden pure white roses

stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind

of purity which set them apart. One by one mother’s stepped forward “I want the

blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.

“Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy full of life and love who

would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with

excitement as the others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would

soon welcome into warmth and love of an earthly home. Once again the loving

Father spoke,” But who will take the white roses, the ones in the East corner of

the garden. These will return to me in purity and goodness, they will not stay

long in your home, for I must bring them back to my Garden for they belong with

me, but they will gain bodies as was planned, you will miss them and long for

them, but I will personally care for them.” “No, not I,” many said, in unison. “ I

couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I,” said others. “We will take those

who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.” The loving Father

looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in His eyes for

someone to step forward, Silence. Then he said, “See the most pure and perfect

of all the white ones, I chose Him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all

mankind. He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not any

one choose like unto Him?” A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Father, I Will.”

Then another, and, “I as well,” “Yes, we will Father” Soon all the pure white roses

were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of the mothers. The Father spoke

again “Oh, blessed are you who chose the white roses, for your pain will be a

heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can

understand at this time. The white ones, embraced their mothers and knew they could

endure the tasks. And the Greatest of all the white ones, gathered them as a hen

gather her chicks. And the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child,

consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each

mother who bore the weight of the White Rose, would feel the overwhelming love

of God, as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

Our Tace is one of those pure spirits.  He is so perfect that he didn't need to face the test of mortality.
I especially love the end of the line that I bolded where Heavenly Father states "...I will personally care for them." It is a comfort to know that Tace is with our Heavenly Father and Savior who love him as much as, and even more perfectly than, Brian and I do. I know he is being watched over, loved, and taken care of until we will have the opportunity to do those things again ourselves.

We continue to miss Tace every day, and we always will...but because of the gospel we know that we still have much to look forward to.  Some days it is hard to see and feel the hope through the grief, but we do know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we do know that because of this wonderful gospel, this is not the end.  We still have all of eternity to spend with our sweet boy.

As Easter has come and gone this past week, I realized that I am more grateful than ever before for my Savior, His atoning sacrifice, and His resurrection that make eternal life and eternal families possible.  Because of Him we will have the opportunity to hold our little Tace in our arms again.  We will have the chance to see him grow, to hear him laugh, and to hold him close.  I look forward to that day.

The blessings of General Conference

General Conference was wonderful this year!  We are so blessed to have a living prophet on the earth today.  There were many wonderful messages and many amazing testimonies of the Savior.  The spirit was so strong throughout all of the sessions.  Some of my favorite talks were in the Sunday Morning session.  I felt as though there were several talks given just for me.  I'd like to share a few quotes and thoughts that really hit me yesterday (some of these will be paraphrased from my notes, not word for word quotes).

President Uchtdorf spoke on gratitude:

"One who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God."

" The Lord does not expect us to be less grateful during trials than we are when life is going well."

"Gratitude is a choice.  We can choose to be grateful no matter what our circumstances may be.  Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God."

"Endings are not our destiny.  They are merely interruptions."

This talk really hit me.  Even though we miss Tace and wish more than anything that he were here, we still have much to be grateful for.  We have been blessed with so much...a home to live in, good jobs, scholarships to get us through school, wonderful family and friends, an incredible husband who takes such good care of me, and above all, the gospel.  We are so grateful for the knowledge and peace the gospel brings into out lives, now more than ever before.  We truly do have much to be grateful for and we need to remember to show our gratitude for those blessings.

Sister Jean A. Stevens spoke on trials:

"You can feel peace in the midst of turmoil.  You can be surrounded by God's love."

"The gospel gives us wings."

"Face your challenges with faith.  Heavenly Father will be there to surround us with His love.  We will not be left alone in our trials."

Tace has been on my mind a lot this past week as we passed his due date last Sunday.  Things have been harder in a way this week because he really should have been here now.  We have missed him so much these past 4 months, but if everything had gone smoothly he wouldn't have been here with us until now.  It was great to have a reminder that Heavenly Father understands the trials we are going through and that He will not leave us alone.

Elder Bednar spoke on the burdens we are carrying:

"It is the load we are carrying that enables us to get out of "the snow" and make it back home."

"The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to learn and grow and come closer to our Savior."

"We do not need to carry our burden alone...there is nothing we have experienced that our Savior has not also experienced.  He understands our heartache and sorrow."

I know that we are meant to experience trials in this life to help us to learn and grow and draw closer to our Savior.  However, I never thought of it in the way Elder Bednar expressed.  He emphasized that without our "loads" we would just be spinning our wheels.  It is the load and burdens we carry that allow us to move forward and progress.  As hard as this trial has been, it has made me rely more on my Savior and Heavenly Father.  I have grown closer to them as I have had to rely on them to make it through.  My marriage has also been strengthened as Brian and I have done all we can to support each other through this trial.

Last of all I loved a quote from President Packer's talk:

"Arms now empty will be filled and hearts now hurting from broken dreams and yearnings will be healed."

That is the promise I needed to hear more than anything.  Our arms will be filled again and our hearts will be healed.

What a wonderful conference.  I know without a doubt in my mind that our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, and all the other general authorities have been called of God and have been His mouth piece over these past 2 days.  I am grateful for a living prophet and a loving Heavenly Father who sends words of comfort, counsel, and warning to His children.  We are so blessed to be a part of this great work and to reap the blessings that come through the restored gospel.

A song that says it all.

~Our Eternal Family~


Tace's due date is a week from today and I have definitely been experiencing a lot of ups and downs as this day approaches. Brian and I continue to miss him and wish that we were given more time with him in this life. At the same time, we know that he is fulfilling a great mission on the other side of the veil. We are proud to know that we have a perfect son setting an example for us and our future family and we feel hope as we get those glimpses of eternity. On the other hand, we continue to experience the heartache and sorrow of continuing forward without him here with us in this life. My mother-in-law, Darcy, shared the following song with us that says it all. I want to share it and my thoughts relating to it. The song is by Hillary Weeks and is called "Just Let Me Cry."



Just Let Me Cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.

But for now...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.

But for now...
For this moment...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel.
Isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

This song expresses the way I often feel in a way that I could not do in words alone. I love the very last verse of the song where it says "I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing. And so my tears are not a surrender, I'll feel that way again. But for now, for this moment, just let me cry..."

Those lines are so true. I have felt exquisite joy, I have still had moments of joy in the past 4 months during this trial, and I know that I will experience much more joy in the years to come. However, I still feel heartache and I still feel pain and I still miss Tace....we always will. Sometimes those hard moments last for a couple minutes, sometimes a couple hours, and sometimes for days at a time. No matter how much joy we continue to experience in this life, those moments of heartache and longing will still come...and that is ok. We need to continue to grieve. We can't let the grief rule our lives, but grieving is ok. We grieve because we love....and I will never stop loving Tace which also means I will never stop grieving for his absence in our lives. And in those moments of longing for my little boy, what I need more than anything is a few minutes to just cry and mourn the loss we have experienced. However, like this song says, my tears are not a surrender and they do not mean that I have sunk into despair, nor that I have lost faith or hope. They simply mean that I miss my son and that I long to be with him. I know that time will come and I know that our family will be reunited as an eternal family unit. This knowledge brings me comfort and joy beyond belief. And I know in the eternal spectrum, that time is not far away. But, in our mortal state the time and space that separates us seems so long.

My mom shared a few quotes with me that I would like to post here:

I love both of these and I know that Heavenly Father does have a plan for us, and I know that he will continue to bless us as we turn to him and rely on him throughout this trial.

So in conclusion, for those of you who have lost a loved one, you understand....There are times when you just need to cry. This doesn't mean you've lost faith. It doesn't mean you've lost hope. It doesn't mean you will never be happy again. It just means you need a moment to mourn the loss you've faced, and then you can continue to move on with faith in our Heavenly Father's plan.

Tace, we love you with all our hearts!

A little bit of Heaven...

Tace has been on my mind a lot lately. The last several days have been a bit rough as we've transitioned into March. This month should have been so full of happy events...Tace's birth being at the top of the list. I should be 36 weeks pregnant right now and we should be welcoming our little boy into our home at the end of this month....instead, we are working on designing his headstone. I never would have imagined that life would turn completely upside down so suddenly. So this week my heart has been aching. I see people out running with strollers and I think of our stroller that is being stored in a closet rather than being used. I see all the people that were due around the same time as me welcoming their little ones into their home...and I sit here with empty arms. It is hard...and the coming of this month and his approaching due date have brought many of these emotions full circle again. We miss him more than we can ever explain.

This past weekend was fast Sunday and Brian and I began our fast together Saturday evening. We have both been having a harder time with the coming of this month, so one of the things we fasted for was for help and strength to make it through the month of March and the hard times that will come as his due date approaches. As we continued to fast and attend our church meetings on Sunday, I felt the peace start to seep into my heart. I thought back to a quote our friends John and Erin Goodman gave us after Tace passed away. It says:

"Because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home."

This is so true. Because our sweet Tace is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home. I know that he is close by as often as he can be. And, I also know that we try even harder to do what is right and have the spirit in our home because we want to be worthy to be with him again. His influence in our lives truly is a "bit of heaven". What better way to teach our future children about the Plan of Salvation is there than to teach them about Tace and how we all need to work hard to be righteous so we can be reunited with him again.

We both love and miss Tace with all our hearts, but we are so grateful that we get to have him as part of our eternal family. There are still hard days, and there always will be....But when those days and moments come, we need to continue to remember that he is still ours and he is still with us. He is the "little bit of heaven" in our home.