Our House!!--Before and After

So Brian and I bought our first house at the beginning of June.  We spent many long hours that first week re-carpeting, re-painting, and working on few other projects.  I have been wanting to post some "before and after" pictures and I am finally getting around to it.  But first, I want to express a huge thank you to all of those that helped us paint, lay carpet, move in, etc.  We are blessed to have amazing family and friends who were willing to help us.  I don't have pictures of everyone who helped out....but here are a few.  Thank you!

Look at all that painter's tape!  That is the tape from the whole house!

Now we will look at some before and after pictures! (The before pictures are the ones the sellers posted online so they are a bit blurry)

FRONT

Before: 

After: 

BACK

Before: 

After:   

We turned the sandbox into a patio and we love it!

LIVING ROOM

Before: 

After: 

KITCHEN

Before: 

After: 

FAMILY ROOM

Before: 

After: 

HALLWAY

After:

BATHROOM

Before:

After:

MASTER BEDROOM

Before:

After: 

NURSERY

Before:

After:

This is the one room we still need to finish decorating.

GUEST BEDROOM

Before: 

After:

Well, that concludes the "before and after" tour of our house!  (There is one more bathroom downstairs and a laundry room that aren't shown above.)  We have loved it so far!  There is definitely a lot of responsibility that comes with home ownership, but it is a lot of fun too.  It is fun to work on projects together to continue to improve our home. :)

The Trial of Our Faith and the Tender Mercies of Our Heavenly Father

I thought for a long time about what I wanted to title this post.  I feel like this title finally fits.  This experience was most definitely a trial of our faith, yet at the same time, we saw so many tender mercies and blessings from our Heavenly Father.  Our faith was tried, yet in the end, our faith was increased.  I have been meaning to write this post for over a month now; however, writing about an experience means re-living it to some degree...and I just haven't been quite ready for that until now.

To start off, I need to briefly review what happened when we lost Tace.  He and I were both doing well and were completely healthy up until the day we actually lost him.  That day I woke up feeling great and everything progressed as a normal Sunday.  After church I started to feel cold and a little feverish--this was around 1:00 or so in the afternoon.  We took my temperature when we got home and I had a slight fever that was barely over 100 degrees.  So we gave me some Tylenol and put me to bed.  A couple hours later my temperature had gone up.  It finally started climbing so fast that we decided to go to the hospital.  We got to the Insta-Care around 7:00 pm and my fever was at 106.8 degrees.  So in the short time span of 6 hours I had gone from feeling normal and healthy to having a dangerously high fever, being septic with an infection throughout my entire bloodstream and uterus, and had a baby who no longer had a heartbeat.  This infection and fever seemed to have come out of nowhere and within a few hours it had altered our lives forever....taking the life of our precious little boy and almost my own.

Needless to say, after going through that experience with Tace, we have been pretty nervous throughout this pregnancy with our second little boy.  We have met with several different doctors and specialists to see if there is anything we should do to prevent this from happening again, and all of them have said that there is no reason it ever should have happened in the first place.  They have no idea how the Strep B bacteria got into my bloodstream, but because it was so rare, they also told us that it is very unlikely it would ever happen again.  This helped to ease some of our fears and concerns, but it was still hard not to worry.  Brian and I were both anxious to get past the 22 week mark, which was how far along we were when we lost Tace.  We knew there could still be complications after that point, but somehow getting past that seemed like a huge milestone.

Well in the middle of July, at 19.5 weeks, some of our biggest fears began to be a reality.  I had a fever.  I had been feeling a little under the weather all day on Friday 7/10 and I had taken my temperature several times throughout the day because I was worried about having a fever.  My temperature was normal every time so I thought I must have a little bug that was going around.  However, I took my temperature one more time before heading to bed and I had a fever.  It was a very low grade fever, but my fever had started very low grade with Tace as well.  I was suddenly terrified.  Normally a low grade fever isn't a big deal, even if you are pregnant, but for us, it is a very big deal.  I went downstairs and told Brian and he told me to get my shoes on because we were heading to the hospital.  Last time we had tried to wait things out and let the fever go away on it's own, and last time we were too late.

On our way to the ER we called our OB/GYN to ask him what he thought we should do.  He said he thought it was probably nothing to be concerned about, but because of our history he did want us to go in and get things checked out.  He called ahead to the ER to let them know about our situation and why we were so worried about a fever that was currently very low.  When we got to the ER they took us back, took some blood cultures, and started me on some fluids through an IV.  We were there from about 11:00 pm to 3:00 am that night.  They ran my blood cultures and everything looked ok.  There weren't any signs of bacteria in my blood like there was last time.  They also came in and checked the baby's heartbeat.  I don't know if there is any sound in the world that is more precious to me than that sound.  After not being able to hear Tace's heartbeat when we lost him, I cherish that sound.  And good news--our baby still had a good strong heartbeat!  I was so grateful he was still ok.  They finally sent us home with instructions to keep me on Tylenol and to monitor the fever every couple of hours.  If it got worse, I needed to come back in for further testing.

So we monitored the fever the rest of that night, all day Saturday, Saturday night, and into Sunday.  I still continued to have a fever the whole time, but it stayed somewhere between 99 and 100.5 degrees as long as I was on the Tylenol.  However, Sunday morning it started to climb.  We were on our way to church when I took my temperature and noticed that it was over 101 degrees.  We started to get nervous.  However, I was at the end of a Tylenol cycle and was just getting ready to take my next dose, so we decided to give the Tylenol a little bit of time to set in and then we would check again.  So we went to Sacrament Meeting and right after the Sacrament I stepped outside to check my temperature again.  It was now 102.2 degrees.  It was going up, not down.  Now the worry was starting to consume me.

I headed back in to the meeting and let Brian know where my temperature was at.  He was also getting more and more concerned.  We decided to give it the rest of the meeting and it if hadn't gone down by then, we'd call our doctor again.  Needless to say, I was a bit of a nervous wreck during the remainder of the meeting.  Our ward's youth had just gotten back from Trek and so the bishopric had asked several different young men, young women, and leaders to come up and share their testimonies and some of the experiences they had had on Trek.  The first young woman to come up talked about how she hadn't wanted to go on Trek at first, but her parents had helped encourage her to go.  She then said a quote that hit me hard.  I don't remember exactly what she said, or if it was a quote she read somewhere or if it was something her parents had said, but what I do remember her saying is, "You can do hard things."

The tears just started coming at that point.  All I could think was, "Heavenly Father, I know I can do hard things, but I can't do this again.  I can't live through losing another baby.  Please, please, don't make me do this again.  Please protect my baby."  The tears continued to flow on and off throughout the meeting.  I was so worried about something being wrong and about the possibility of losing this little boy as well.   As soon as the meeting was over we left and called our doctor again.  Because my fever was over 102 degrees on the Tylenol he told us to head back in to the ER.  He called ahead again to let them know we were on our way.  So we were headed back to the ER for a second time in less than 36 hours.

As soon as we got there they took me back and took blood cultures again.  Our doctor had also ordered an ultrasound to check on the baby and had requested that I be admitted for a 23 hour observation.  So it looked like we'd be spending the night in the hospital.  They came and picked me up with a wheel chair to take me to the ultrasound.  Sitting in that wheelchair....going to get an ultrasound....this is when the flashbacks from losing Tace really started:

11/24/13--I remember sitting in the wheelchair as the nurse rushed me from the Insta-Care to the ER, and then straight up to Labor and Delivery.  It was while I was in this wheelchair that I got the distinct impression that Tace was not ok.  As soon as they got us up to Labor and Delivery they checked for a heartbeat.  When they couldn't find one they brought in an ultrasound machine and checked again.  There was still no heartbeat.  Our precious Tace was gone.

I tried to shake myself out of it and not let the fears of what happened last time overcome me now.  I silently started praying, trying to exercise faith that everything would be ok rather than letting the fears take over.  We got to the ultrasound room and we both waited breathlessly as the technician started the ultrasound.  Bri held my hand and I was so grateful to have him by my side.  Of course the technician started by checking my ovaries and cervix before the baby....I really wanted to say, "Can you just show us the heartbeat and then go back and check everything else?" but I refrained.  She did finally get to checking the baby....and there was still a heartbeat.  We both sighed in relief.  He was still ok for now.

After the ultrasound they took us to the room that we would be staying in.  They wanted to keep me on the Labor and Delivery floor so they could monitor me and the baby, but that floor was full so they kept me in the Mother and Child (or pediatric) ward.  The next several days brought on a roller-coaster of emotions and many different tests.  Needless to say we ended up being in the hospital for much longer than the 23 hour observation we had originally been planning on.

Later that first night (Sunday 7/12) our OB/GYN came to check on me.  All of my blood tests were coming back without any signs of bacteria, however, my fever was still climbing and was now sitting around 104 degrees.  Our OB said that he would like to pull a few other doctors in to check on me to get some other opinions and insight.  So we ended up meeting with several internal medicine doctors and an infectious disease specialist throughout our stay.  Since they couldn't find any bacteria in my blood, they were worried that the bacteria may be somewhere else.  I had been having some pretty intense headaches along with the fevers so they decided to do a spinal tap to check my spinal fluid for bacteria.  They thought there could be a chance that I had bacterial spinal meningitis.

The initial results from my spinal tap came back in the middle of that first night.  They had seen some bacteria in the initial gram stains of my spinal fluid.  They had sent the samples up to the main hospital in Murray to have them examined more closely and to see if the samples grew any bacteria cultures.  However, in the meantime, they started me on another heavy antibiotic that would penetrate my spinal fluid in case I really did have bacterial spinal meningitis.  Brian and I both became more concerned with this new possibility.  Bri had done some research on bacterial meningitis and the numbers and information he found made us realize how serious this could be for me and we were still extremely concerned about the baby.  We, along with many family members and friends, continued to pray that everything would be ok and that the baby and I could both be safe.  I am so grateful for all the prayers that were offered in our behalf because I know those prayers were heard and answered.

The following morning the doctors came in to talk to us about the results they had found.  Apparently there was some confusion with the tests that had been done on my spinal fluid.  The initial gram stain done at the American Fork Lab came back positive, but when they did a gram stain at the lab in Murray it came back negative.  They then did the more in depth test and after sitting for several hours the samples had not grown any bacteria cultures.  They decided to test another sample of the fluid.  This time the gram stain came back positive at the Murray lab, but again the samples never grew any cultures under the more extensive tests.  So....they weren't sure if I had bacterial meningitis or not, but there was a possibility.  Because there was a possibility they were going to continue to treat me for it (because not treating me if I really did have it could end up being life threatening).

After the doctors talked to us about the spinal tap results they decided to move me to the ICU so they could monitor all of my vitals at all times.  At this point my fever was still ranging between 101 and 104 on the Tylenol and the headaches were still really bad....actually, the headaches were much worse because of the spinal tap.  And because the fevers were still so high my body would go through cycles of being so cold I couldn't stop shaking and could barely stay focused on anything to sweating uncontrollably.  It was not a pleasant cycle.  So they moved us down and we spent Monday (7/13) in the ICU.  I have never had so many cords and machines hooked up to me all at once.  As soon as we got down to the ICU the internal medicine doctor ordered a heart echo cardiogram for me.  Since they weren't 100% certain that I had bacterial meningitis, they still wanted to check other places for the infection.  So they ordered the echo cardiogram to check for infection around my heart.  Thankfully that test came back negative.

At this point we realized we were definitely going to be in the hospital for a while so my mom came out to stay so that she and Brian could both be there to take care of me.  I don't know what I would have done without the two of them.  They are both angels and did all they could to take care of me and keep me comfortable during our stay.

After 24 hours of watching my vitals the doctors decided they could move me out of the ICU.  I still couldn't go home, but I didn't have to be hooked to so many machines.  They were going to move us to the Med/Surg floor and continue to monitor me there.  Before all of this happened Brian and I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday to meet with our high risk specialist to do our 20 week ultrasound.  However, because I was in the hospital, she decided to come do our ultrasound there instead and check on me and the baby.  So we ended up doing our 20 week ultrasound with her on Tuesday (7/14) instead of Thursday.

The nurses came to get me with a wheelchair again.  We stopped by our new room on the Med/Surg floor to drop off our stuff and then headed to the ultrasound.  I was to the point in my fever cycle that I was freezing, shaking, and having a hard time concentrating...especially with the spinal headaches on top of the fever.  I did my best to concentrate on everything as they checked the baby, but I was glad Brian was there to listen to everything they were saying so he could tell me about it again later.  The technician said that everything was looking good and that our little boy looked like he was healthy and doing well.  It was such a relief to hear that after the past 2.5 days we'd had.  Then our high risk specialist came in to talk to us.  She said everything was looking good with the baby so far, but they were still concerned that I was so sick....especially since they hadn't pinpointed where the infection was for sure (since the spinal tap results were still questionable).  She presented another possible option for why I was so sick that hit me like a ton of bricks.  She said there was a possibility that the infection was in my uterus.  If there were an infection in my uterus it wouldn't show up in blood tests, spinal taps, or echo cardiograms...all of which I'd had so far.  She said the way to test for it would be to do an amniocentesis....which that procedure can present a possibility for infection on it's own because you have to puncture the amniotic sack.  However, she said that they couldn't do an amniocentesis with me on as many antibiotics as I was on because even if my uterus were infected, the test would come back negative because of the combination of heavy antibiotics.  So she said if my fever continued, or came back after finishing the antibiotics I was on (which I'd be on for another couple weeks) then they would test at that point.  This was just a theory, but if I continued not to get better it could be a definite possibility.

My heart felt heavy through her entire explanation.  I finally got up the courage to ask the one question that had been circulating through my mind since she introduced this possible theory.  I asked, "If there were an infection in my uterus, would there be anything we could do to save the baby?"  She slowly shook her head.  She said that if there were an infection in my uterus they would need to induce and deliver immediately.  There would be no way to get me better until they got rid of the infection by delivering....and at barely 20 weeks, there is no way our little boy would have any chance of surviving.  The tears started flowing and my heart sank.  Bri's grip on my hand tightened and I knew he was feeling the same despair.  It was hard enough losing Tace, but by the time we delivered him he was already gone....there was nothing we could have done.  But we had just seen our second little boy in the ultrasound three minutes before.  The technician had just told us that he was healthy and that everything was looking great.  I couldn't imagine finding out the infection really was in my uterus and having to induce and deliver him knowing he was doing great on the inside, but would have no chance of survival on the outside.  Brian and I both began hoping and praying that this sickness was being caused by anything other than an infection in my uterus.  Suddenly bacterial spinal meningitis was sounding like a good answer in comparison, despite the fact that it could be potentially very dangerous for me.

So, Tuesday started out as a really tough day...Talking with the specialist and knowing an infection in the uterus could be a possibility had Brian and I both really discouraged.  However, Tuesday is also the day that things started to look up.  We started to see evidence of all of our many prayers being answered and began to witness the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father.  It was Tuesday afternoon that my fever finally broke.  It was still down that evening by the time my afternoon Tylenol cycle wore off....so they didn't give me my evening dose of Tylenol so we could see if the fever was really gone or not.  The fever never came back.  This sudden turn around in my condition was nothing short of of a miracle.  I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father heard and answered our prayers.

They continued to monitor me all day Wednesday, but the fever never returned.  I still had really intense spinal headaches and was really weak, but at least the fever was gone.  All of my test results on my blood work and spinal fluid continued to come back negative.  Because of that first initial positive result on my spinal fluid, they continued to treat me for meningitis, but the infectious disease specialist was feeling less and less certain that I really had meningitis.  However, he said he wanted to finish the treatments for it just to be on the safe side.

They kept me overnight one more night and then started working on getting me ready to be released on Thursday.  In order to continue my treatments for meningitis I would have to have IV antibiotics given to me twice a day for about 2 weeks, and be on a strong oral antibiotic for a month.  Because I would need IV antibiotics for so long they put a picc line in my arm that ran into my chest.  That way the antibiotics could be pumped in close to my heart so that they could then be pumped throughout my body quickly.  They inserted the picc line Thursday evening and I was finally released to go home Thursday night.

It has now been just over a month since I spent those 5 days in the hospital and I am feeling so much better.  I was pretty weak for about 2 weeks after I was released from the hospital, but I eventually regained my strength.  I finished my IV antibiotic treatment about 10 days after leaving the hospital and was able to get the picc line removed.  We've been back to see the infectious disease specialist for a few follow-up visits since then and he said that things are looking good.  So, we never actually found out for sure what or where the infection was....the doctors had a few theories, but no 100% positive results.  We know I was extremely sick, and we know I got better while I was in the hospital on antibiotics, but they still don't know for sure what the cause was.  The whole experience still makes us pretty nervous because it was so similar to what happened when we lost Tace (and the timing was within 2 weeks of when everything happened with Tace), but there isn't enough evidence to say the two incidents were related at all.  It makes us slightly nervous that something like this might happen again the next time we are expecting....but hopefully that won't be the case.

I saw this quote on Facebook a couple days after we got out of the hospital and it really stuck with me.

We had experienced heartbreaking sorrow and grief when we lost Tace, and there were many times throughout that week in the hospital last month that I felt overwhelmed by those same feelings and felt that we were being tested to our limits, or possibly beyond...especially as we would think of all the unknowns and the possibility that we might have to face losing another child....and as Brian had to deal with the possibilities of potentially losing another child and me.  But, as President Monson said, I believe that these difficulties we faced have helped us to change for the better.  I miss Tace every day, but I have grown closer to Brian and to my Savior because I have needed them both to get through the heartache that has accompanied his loss.  And, throughout this last experience in the hospital both mine and Brian's faith was really tested.  We tried to be optimistic, press forward with faith, and accept our Heavenly Father's will no matter what it may be.....but it was hard to do that when there were so many fears plaguing us and coming at us from every angle.  However, our Heavenly Father did hear our prayers and our pleadings for help, strength, and a miracle.  As we saw that miracle begin to unfold, our faith and our testimonies were strengthened all the more.  

I am so grateful that our precious little boy and I both made it out of this experience ok.  I'm glad that we are both healthy and doing well now.  And I am grateful beyond measure for a Heavenly Father who hears and answers prayers.  He truly does love each and every one of us and will send forth His tender mercies to bless us in times of need...of this I have no doubt.

Our Journey: Losing Tace - to Infertility - to Our Miracle Baby!

BABY HALES #2!!!!

So, it has been a long time since I have written on the blog.  To be completely honest, I've been anxious to write this post since March when we found out we were finally expecting again, but the timing wasn't right to share such news at that point.  But I'll share now!

We lost our precious Tace a year and a half ago in November of 2013.  Ever since that time Brian and I have been longing for another baby.  We knew that another baby would never replace our sweet Tace, and we would never want that, but our hearts and arms were so empty and broken after losing Tace that we longed for another baby to help fill some of those holes and ease the ache we were feeling.

So after waiting the allotted 3 months, we began trying again around the end of February (2014).  Naively, I thought it would be just as easy to get pregnant the second time as it was the first time.  With Tace we did have to use clomid (because I don't ovulate regularly on my own), but we got pregnant the first month we tried it and on the lowest dose.  It was a piece of cake!  So at the end of February I met with my OB/GYN and he again prescribed me the lowest dose of clomid to help me ovulate.  I was hoping, and almost expecting, that everything would go as smoothly as it had before and I would have another baby in my arms before the end of the year.  I have never been more wrong.

Throughout this first clomid cycle I took my temperature every morning to track for ovulation.  I began to get a little bit concerned when my temperature never spiked....meaning it was likely I hadn't ovulated.  However, I still went in for my day 21 progesterone test hoping I had ovulated and that I just hadn't been very accurate in taking my temperature.  The nurse called me 2 days later with the news that my test results showed I had not ovulated.  I was devastated.  Not only was I NOT pregnant, but there was no way I even COULD have gotten pregnant that month.  I realized this could be a much longer and more difficult road than I had imagined.

Needless to say, March was a rough month.  If I had gotten pregnant by some miracle, we would have found out right before Tace's due date (March 30).  I hoped for this because I felt like it would help soften the pain that came with Tace's due date if we already had another baby on the way.  But instead, I didn't ovulate (which meant I most definitely wasn't pregnant) and we had to face Tace's due date with no baby.  I should have been welcoming my little boy into my home that month, and instead I was designing his headstone and looking down a long road of infertility issues.

So in April I went up to two clomid a day.  I did ovulate, but we did not conceive.  That month was also hard, but at least I had ovulated.  That was much better than the month before.  So we tried the same dose again in May hoping that this time I would conceive (and we would find out right before Memorial Day and right after Mother's Day....I was so hoping...)  Instead, the news we received was that I had not ovulated again.  Again I was devastated.  I knew that my body didn't ovulate well on its own, but now I was struggling to ovulate regularly with the help of fertility medication.  I started to get concerned that something was really wrong and wondered if maybe the extremely high fever I had when we lost Tace damaged something permanently.

On top of not ovulating again that month, my cycle also failed to start on it's own so I had to take a progesterone supplement to start my cycle before we could start another round of clomid.  This means between waiting for my cycle to start and going through the medication to make it start, we lost out on the whole month of June and part of July.  Losing a month and a half of time doesn't seem like that long...but when you are hoping and praying for a baby every day, and missing the one you should already be holding, it seems like an eternity.

We were finally able to start another round of clomid about mid July.  This time we were up to three pills a day (the highest dose our doctor will prescribe).  I was really hopeful this month.  If we got pregnant this month we would be on pretty much the same schedule we had been with Tace.  This second baby would have been due within a day or two of Tace's due date at the end of March.  We had been struggling for enough months now that we asked the family to join in with us on a family fast, we had made many trips to the temple, and done a few other fasts of our own.  The day 21 progesterone test came back positive saying we did ovulate, so now we just had to wait one more week to see if we were pregnant or not.  That week went by and we took a pregnancy test and.....and we couldn't quite tell.  It was one of those tests that one pink like shows up if you aren't pregnant and two show up if you are......well, we could see the one test line for sure, but there seemed to be the faintest hint of a second line.....very very very faint.  We decided to wait two days and take another test since your HcG levels are supposed to double approximately every 48 hours.  Well, two days later we had the same situation.  It looked like there was a very very very faint second line.  We are talking so faint you had to hold it up to the light to see it....but still, we could both see something, and I was past the time when my cycle should have started.  So we decided to test again in another couple days, but we were both starting to get hopeful and I FELT like I was pregnant (unfortunately a lot of early pregnancy symptoms and symptoms when you are about to start your cycle are the same so it is hard to tell the difference).  Well in the next two days my cycle started.  I was so mad, not sad, mad....which is weird for me.  I wasn't mad at Heavenly Father, I was just mad that the faulty pregnancy tests had gotten our hopes up and I was tired of being jerked around emotionally.

Well, needless to say we called our doctor and got our next round of clomid (still at three a day) since my cycle had started.  And guess what?...I didn't ovulate in September.  I should have been able to predict that by now since I would always ovulate the first time on a higher dose, but not the second time.  My cycle did not start on it's own again so we lost the rest of September and all of October waiting for my cycle to start and taking the medication to make it start.

Then November was here.  I couldn't believe we were coming up on Tace's first birthday.  I thought for sure we would be expecting by the time we reached our year mark of losing our precious angel.  I never imagined it would take so long for us to have another baby on the way.  Once my cycle finally started we called our doctor to see what was next.  We had gone as far as we could with clomid and my body was no longer responding to the higher dose.  Our doctor suggested we try one more fertility treatment with him, and then if that still didn't work he would refer us to a fertility specialist.  So we tried one pill a day of femara in November (femara is similar to clomid, but some women have success on femara who haven't had success on clomid).

I continued to take my temperature every morning to check myself for ovulation.  Day 14 came and went (you are typically supposed to ovulate around day 14).  I went to my day 21 progesterone test knowing it would come back negative.  It did. So I continued to wait for my cycle to start.  While we were in that waiting period Tace's first birthday came and went.  I sure missed that sweet boy.  I tried to imagine what he would look like as a one-year-old and what he would be doing. I can't wait to have all those experiences with him some day.

Throughout the Thanksgiving holiday and Tace's birthday I had missed a few days of taking my temperature.  After the holidays were over (and I was still waiting for my cycle) I started taking my temperature again.  I noticed that it had spiked sometime in those few days that I had missed (somewhere between day 21 and day 26).  That was really late for ovulation, but my temperature chart had always been accurate in the past....so I called the nurse and asked for another progesterone test to see if I had ovulated.  It came back negative, but I still wondered if I had ovulated and we just tested me at the wrong time because I didn't know the exact day of my temperature spike.  So I continued to wait throughout most of December to see if we were expecting.  The tests came back negative and my cycle eventually started on its own around the end of December (so with femara one cycle took about two months for me instead of the normal one month because the possible ovulation came so late).

When my cycle started I called the doctor again and we decided to try one more round of femara on two pills a day since it looked like there had been a chance that I had ovulated.  This time I knew to watch for ovulation closer to day 21 than to day 14.  My temperature eventually went up mid January around day 21.  I went in for my progesterone test and the test levels still came back low enough that they didn't think I had ovulated for sure.  I waited out the time until I could take a pregnancy test and sure enough it was negative.

By this time I was feeling pretty discouraged.  There were several other couples we knew who had gone through the same trial as us with having a stillborn baby and they were either expecting again or already had a second baby here.  These couples were able to get pregnant within 1-3 months of when they started trying again.  I was so excited for each of them, but wishing more than anything we could join them.  It felt unfair that we had to go through the trial of losing Tace, and the trial of infertility at the same time.  But, I knew that Heavenly Father was aware of us and the trials we were facing and that He would help us through them.  So I did my best to continue to press forward with faith and hope for the future.

After the last negative test from our second dose of femara, our doctor gave us the number for a fertility specialist.  He had done all that he could up to that point and since we had been on fertility medication for a year now (it was now February) he felt that we needed to see a specialist to continue to move forward.  So we called the Utah Fertility Center and set up a consultation with Dr. Foulk.  However, he was so booked out that we couldn't get in to see him until April 15th.  So we had about a month and a half to two months to wait until that time.

At this point Brian and I, and our families, thought that it would probably be best to give my body a break for those two months before we met with Dr. Foulk.  My body had been through a lot with the infection when we lost Tace and then high doses of fertility medications for almost a year now.  We were ready to move forward with this plan, but then when my cycle started later that week Brian and I both started feeling like maybe we should try the clomid one more time.  We had gotten pregnant with Tace on clomid, and we had at least ovulated on clomid a few times throughout the past year, which we never did for sure on femara.  Since we both felt like we should try it one more time I called my doctor and asked him if we could do clomid one more time in this waiting period before we could meet with the fertility specialist.  He agreed that we could try it again and prescribed me three pills a day since this was the last dose I had ovulated on.  So we started the clomid cycle again.

As we went through the clomid cycle in March, we still went forward with our plans to see the fertility specialist in April.  We came up with questions we wanted to ask and attended a free information seminar that the Utah Fertility Center puts on once a month.  That was really helpful to go to because it helped answer a lot of our questions about what our path might be from here.  We knew there was eventually In-Vetro Fertilization, but we didn't know what steps came before that.  We came away from that meeting anxious for April 15th to get here so that we could get in and get our consultation done so we could start moving forward again.

I went in for my day 21 test as usual (my temperature showed I had ovulated so I was expecting a positive test result) and it did come back positive.  However when the nurse called to tell me this she was like, "Your levels are really high!  You could be pregnant!"  Oh I wanted to believe her so badly!!  However, my levels were also super high last April and August (even higher than they were now) and I wasn't pregnant then.  However, the nurse had never said those words any time she had called before, even when my levels were high those other months.  So....my hopes were starting to go up.  I tried not to be too hopeful, without losing faith of course, because I knew it was not super likely that I was pregnant based on the past year.  However, that next week could not pass fast enough so I could do a pregnancy test!

The day finally came to do a test and I decided to do two at once since we had had issues with faulty tests in the past.  I did the tests, set the timer on my phone for five minutes, and then Brian and I sat down in the hall to wait.  When the timer went off we both took a deep breath and headed back into the bathroom (this had become a ritual any month we got to the point of taking a test).  There were two lines.....on both tests!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  The second line was light on both tests, but most definitely visible.  I still wasn't 100% convinced, so I decided to do a third test.  It also came back positive.  We were both so excited, yet trying not to  be too hopeful at the same time since we had seen tests we thought were positive before.  However, these three definitely looked positive.  It was hard to have to go to work that day and try to concentrate on teaching a bunch of rowdy 13- and 14-year-olds when all I could think about was stopping by Walgreens after school to pick up a digital test that would clearly say YES or NO.  School eventually got out and I did just that on the way home.  My plan was to do the more expensive test the next morning because the best time to do tests is first thing in the morning.  But, I decided I could do another cheap test that afternoon.  If it still came back looking positive in the afternoon then I would start believing it more.  It came back positive again!  I decided I couldn't wait on the digital test so I did that one as well.  And....POSITIVE!!!

It only took 5 tests that day to convince me that this was real! :) :)   I don't know if I have ever been more excited in my life!  I calculated out my due date and found out that Baby Hales #2 would be arriving December 2nd!  (He and Tace will be almost exactly two years apart.)  I couldn't believe the miracle our little family had experienced.  We had been trying and hoping for so long and now, once we finally had an appointment with the fertility specialist scheduled, we finally found out we were expecting!!  We found out that we were pregnant the end of March, about 2 weeks before our appointment with the specialist.  I have never been more excited to call and cancel an appointment that I had originally been so excited to make.  I have also never felt so blessed!!  I am so grateful that Brian and I both listened to the prompting to try clomid one more time while we were waiting, even though giving my body a break made more logical sense at the time.  Because we listened to that prompting and followed through our second sweet boy is on the way!  We can't wait to meet him!

Be Still, My Soul

This past Sunday the Relief Society lesson fell through so our Relief Society President, Whitney, invited us to have a musical testimony meeting.  We were invited to share our favorite hymn and why it was our favorite.  Then we would sing the hymn.   The spirit was so strong in that meeting....it was incredible.  I want to share what my favorite hymn is, and why it is so important to me.

My favorite hymn is 124--"Be Still, My Soul".  I LOVE this hymn.  I have always loved it, but throughout this past year it has truly become my favorite hymn.  I have gained so much peace and comfort from the words and the message that this song provides.  The lyrics speak for themselves....but between each verse I still want to add what each message means to me and bear testimony of the infinite and eternal love of our Savior.

Be Still, My Soul
Be still, my soul:  The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

This message offers assurance that the Lord really is on our side.  He understands the "cross of grief and pain" we are bearing.....he understands it perfectly and is there to help us to bear it patiently.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

This is where faith has to come in.  "Leave to thy God to order and provide."  I don't understand the reasons behind why Brian and I have had to face this trial.....but I know that my Heavenly Father does.  He also knows what I need most in order to make it through this trial.  He has "provided" for me by blessing me with an incredible and sensitive husband who has been by my side every step of the way.  Brian is there for me when I need to talk, he holds me when I need to cry, and he makes me smile and laugh and keep pressing forward every day with hope for a bright future.  Heavenly Father has also "provided" for me by blessing Brian and I both with incredible families, a wonderful bishop, and many great friends.  They have all been a huge support to us.  We are so grateful for all of the people who check in on us, who talk to us about Tace, and who help us to keep his memory alive.  One of my greatest fears after losing Tace was that others would forget about him.  Thank you to all of you who have remembered him and have remembered us.  We are so grateful for all of you.  And above all, I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and Savior who have "faithfully remained" by my side through this unexpected change.
  
Be still, my soul:  Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I love how this passage refers to Heavenly Father and our Savior as our "Friend".
And the second line gives me hope.  I know we are in the midst of some thorns right now between losing Tace and struggling to have another baby....but I do know that as we press on through these thorny ways we will learn and grow and we will make it to the "joyful end".

Be still, my soul:  Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.

Heavenly Father has a plan for us.  He has guided our past, and I know that He will continue to guide our futures.  He has many great things in store for us if we will continue to press forward with faith through the sunshine and the storms.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:  The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

"All now mysterious shall be bright at last"---one day, we will have all of our "why's" answered.  One day we will be able to see all of the "strokes in the masterpiece" (from Charlie Jenkins song) and we will understand how all of the strokes, both light and dark, fit into our Heavenly Father's plan.

Be still, my soul:  The hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,

Before I know it, I'll be reunited with my Savior and with my sweet Tace.  I am so grateful for the blessing of temples and eternal families.

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:  When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

One day all of our disappointment, grief, and fear will be gone. All of the unexpected changes and tears will be past. When that day comes our sorrows truly will be forgotten and love's purest joys will be restored as we are reunited with our loved ones.  And on that day we will at last be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and our Savior.  I can't wait for that day and the joyful reunion it will be.

As I said before, I love this song and the message it portrays.  It has given me strength and comfort more times than I can count.  It helps me to remember that my Savior is aware of me and the trials I am facing.  He understands the grief and pain we have gone through and He is there to comfort us and guide us through our own individual Gethsemanes.  I know that He has a plan prepared for us and I know that He will guide us through and strengthen us along the way.  We just need to remember to "Be still and know that [he] is God."

What's Mine is Yours

I saw a music video to the song "What's Mine is Yours" by Katherine Nelson a few months ago on facebook.  I was recently reminded of the song and how much I liked it (or related to it) when my dear friend, Shanna Mele, sent me Katherine Nelson's CD for Tace's birthday with this song on it.  The lyrics, especially the first verse, really hit home.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhMfQVBpoSY

What's Mine is Yours
Counting down days since nine months last summer
From the baby quilts to the sunshine light-switch cover
All the plans she made
Wall-papered dreams she made for him someday

The doctor hardly glanced her way and shut off the monitor
As he walked out the door he said "You're young, there'll be others"
No sirens or loud screams
No rushing or comforting
It was just over

On the longest road toward home
She parked in the church lot and cried
And said

What's mine is yours
It's always been
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it
I'm letting go
Remembering
Though Heaven's doors feel shut they're wide open
What's mine is yours

Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family

When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried

What's mine is yours
It's always been
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it
I'm letting go
Remembering
Though Heaven's doors feel shut they're wide open
What's mine is yours.

In this life we come and go and say goodbye
But there's more than we can see with our own eyes
And when my faith's a thread-bare blanket and I can't take it anymore
I remember
What's mine is yours

I'm letting go
Remembering
Though Heaven's doors feel shut they're wide open
What's mine is yours


Listening to this song brings back so many memories.  The whole first verse completely describes our situation.  We were so excited for Tace to get here.  We had bought all the baby stuff we would need, his room was decorated, etc.  Then, in a moment, everything changed so completely.  There were no sirens or loud screams......the world kept spinning just as it always had for everyone else.....yet for us, our lives had been forever altered and our hopes and dreams shattered.  Very few people ever got to meet and hold our sweet boy....Brian and I, both our parents, and my brother Trevor who was at the hospital with us (and the doctors and nurses who cared for us). To some his memory may be long since passed......yet for us, we think of him every single day.  I can relate to the phrase "Though Heaven's doors feel shut they're wide open."  There are times when it may feel like Heaven's doors are shut because of this trial we are facing; however, if we stop to count our blessings and recognize all the help and comfort we've received, we will know that Heaven's doors really are wide open.  Heavenly Father has been pouring out His love to us throughout this past year.  We wouldn't have made it this far without Him and the promises and covenants we have made through Him.  As I listen to this song, and think about how we have been watched over, I do need to remember that what's mine is His.....my little Tace was His before he was mine, and He loves him too.....more perfectly and completely than I ever could (which is difficult to comprehend).

So in conclusion, remember that what is ours is also His.....it always has been and ever will be.  And, He will always take care of those things we hold most dear, just as He is taking care of our sweet little Tace.  For now, we will hold Tace in our hearts while Heavenly Father holds him in His arms.

Turning Outward--A Month of Service

A few weeks ago we had a multi-stake conference for all the married student stakes and singles student stakes in the Provo area.  The first speaker at this conference was one of the stake presidents of a married student stake.  I can't remember his name, but I remember the message he shared.

His son, who was in his twenties, passed away around Thanksgiving last year....which means his son passed away within a week or so of when Tace passed away.  He talked about the pain and emptiness he felt and the struggles that he went through as he tried to cope with the loss of his son.  He talked about how all he wanted to do was turn inward....he wanted time to himself to go through the mourning process.  However, as a stake president, he had many responsibilities to attend to.  In the first 2 weeks after his son passed away, there were some major crises with members within his stake that he had to help take care of.  He again talked about how difficult it was to reach out and fulfill those responsibilities when he was barely functioning himself.  But, he realized as he reached outward to help others through their trials, he somehow was making it through his own trial.  He then emphasized that there will be times when we will all want to turn inward....but, it is at these times that we should do all we can to turn outward and help someone else in need.  If we focus on helping and serving others, we will receive the strength we need to get through our own trials.

I really liked this message.  So, we decided to start a new Christmas tradition.  This time of year is a time that would be really easy for Brian and I to turn inward.  Tace's birthday brings back memories and a heartache that can be overwhelming.  But, rather than turning inward and focusing on our loss, we want to turn outward in remembrance of our little Tace.  So, the tradition we are starting is "A Month of Service".  This will start every year on Tace's birthday, November 24th, and end on Christmas Eve, December 24th.  We made a stocking for Tace and each year we want his stocking to be filled with acts of service!   (We're getting started a little late this year.)

We would love to have as many friends and family members participate with us each year as possible.  (What better way is there to bring in the true spirit of Christmas than by serving others as our Savior would?!)  Each year I will use this blog, email, facebook, text, etc, to gather feedback on the acts of service.  These acts of service can be as simple as making a sibling's bed or as large as providing Christmas for a family in need.

For each act of service completed, please send me an email (heather.hales89@gmail.com), a text, a facebook message/post, or a post on this blog letting me know what the act of service was.  I will print them off once a week and fill Tace's stocking with them.  We hope to have a whole stocking full of service to go through on Christmas Day!  Thanks in advance to anyone who participates in this tradition with us.

Celebrating Tace's 1st Birthday

Dear Tace,

Happy Birthday sweet boy!  I can't believe your first birthday is already here.  I wish you could be here to celebrate with us. You are constantly in our thoughts and we want you to know how much we love and adore you.  Your dad and I can't wait until the day when we can be reunited with you once again.  

As your birthday has approached your dad and I have been thinking about what things we would like to do to celebrate you.  These are a few of the ideas we came up with:

First, we went to the temple the morning of your birthday.  This is one of our favorite places to be.  It is within the walls of the temple that we can feel you the closest.  I love that we live so close to so many temples.  It is great to be able to go as often as we want and have the opportunity to serve others and to feel your presence close.

Second, we donated some blankets and remembrance boxes to the hospital.  Tace, when you were born it meant more than anything to your dad and I to have a little outfit to dress you in, a tiny blanket to wrap you in, and a remembrance box to put your things in.  These items are now some of our most prized and valuable possessions.  All of these items had been donated to the hospital.  Now, it is our turn to give back.  We want to donate items to the hospital each year on your birthday so that other couples faced with similar trials will have something to wrap their precious angels in.  

And lastly, we did a balloon release for you at the cemetery.

Tace, we love you with all our hearts!  I hope you can feel all the love that we are sending your way, this week especially.  We wish we could have you here, but we know that you have a great work to do on the other side of the veil.  Happy birthday sweet boy.  We are one year closer to holding you once more!

With all the love I possess,
Mommy

P.S.  Your Grandpa Brent, Grandma Darcy, and Aunt Halli got these flowers for you.  White roses have become your flower (from the story shared in the post titled "5 Months").  This was a beautiful arrangement of little white roses.

Grandma Terri went down and decorated your headstone with this spray of flowers we made for you last winter and Grandpa Rick bought you the little back-hoe and dump truck.  He said that he thinks about you all the time, especially when he is driving the back-hoe or track-hoe at the ranch.  He wanted to get you a couple little toys so that you would have something to play with.  I thought that was so cute.  Your grandpa is one of the toughest men I know, but he has a soft spot for each of his grandkids.  It is so sweet to see how tender he can be.

Once again, we all love you SO much and we hope you had a wonderful birthday!