~Our Eternal Family~
Tace's due date is a week from today and I have definitely been experiencing a lot of ups and downs as this day approaches. Brian and I continue to miss him and wish that we were given more time with him in this life. At the same time, we know that he is fulfilling a great mission on the other side of the veil. We are proud to know that we have a perfect son setting an example for us and our future family and we feel hope as we get those glimpses of eternity. On the other hand, we continue to experience the heartache and sorrow of continuing forward without him here with us in this life. My mother-in-law, Darcy, shared the following song with us that says it all. I want to share it and my thoughts relating to it. The song is by Hillary Weeks and is called "Just Let Me Cry."
Just Let Me Cry
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let it out...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.
But for now...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.
But for now...
For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel.
Isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...
and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
This song expresses the way I often feel in a way that I could not do in words alone. I love the very last verse of the song where it says "I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing. And so my tears are not a surrender, I'll feel that way again. But for now, for this moment, just let me cry..."
Those lines are so true. I have felt exquisite joy, I have still had moments of joy in the past 4 months during this trial, and I know that I will experience much more joy in the years to come. However, I still feel heartache and I still feel pain and I still miss Tace....we always will. Sometimes those hard moments last for a couple minutes, sometimes a couple hours, and sometimes for days at a time. No matter how much joy we continue to experience in this life, those moments of heartache and longing will still come...and that is ok. We need to continue to grieve. We can't let the grief rule our lives, but grieving is ok. We grieve because we love....and I will never stop loving Tace which also means I will never stop grieving for his absence in our lives. And in those moments of longing for my little boy, what I need more than anything is a few minutes to just cry and mourn the loss we have experienced. However, like this song says, my tears are not a surrender and they do not mean that I have sunk into despair, nor that I have lost faith or hope. They simply mean that I miss my son and that I long to be with him. I know that time will come and I know that our family will be reunited as an eternal family unit. This knowledge brings me comfort and joy beyond belief. And I know in the eternal spectrum, that time is not far away. But, in our mortal state the time and space that separates us seems so long.
My mom shared a few quotes with me that I would like to post here:
I love both of these and I know that Heavenly Father does have a plan for us, and I know that he will continue to bless us as we turn to him and rely on him throughout this trial.
So in conclusion, for those of you who have lost a loved one, you understand....There are times when you just need to cry. This doesn't mean you've lost faith. It doesn't mean you've lost hope. It doesn't mean you will never be happy again. It just means you need a moment to mourn the loss you've faced, and then you can continue to move on with faith in our Heavenly Father's plan.
Tace, we love you with all our hearts!
Life with the Hales
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
A little bit of Heaven...
Tace has been on my mind a lot lately. The last several days have been a bit rough as we've transitioned into March. This month should have been so full of happy events...Tace's birth being at the top of the list. I should be 36 weeks pregnant right now and we should be welcoming our little boy into our home at the end of this month....instead, we are working on designing his headstone. I never would have imagined that life would turn completely upside down so suddenly. So this week my heart has been aching. I see people out running with strollers and I think of our stroller that is being stored in a closet rather than being used. I see all the people that were due around the same time as me welcoming their little ones into their home...and I sit here with empty arms. It is hard...and the coming of this month and his approaching due date have brought many of these emotions full circle again. We miss him more than we can ever explain.
This past weekend was fast Sunday and Brian and I began our fast together Saturday evening. We have both been having a harder time with the coming of this month, so one of the things we fasted for was for help and strength to make it through the month of March and the hard times that will come as his due date approaches. As we continued to fast and attend our church meetings on Sunday, I felt the peace start to seep into my heart. I thought back to a quote our friends John and Erin Goodman gave us after Tace passed away. It says:
"Because someone we love is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home."
This is so true. Because our sweet Tace is in heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in our home. I know that he is close by as often as he can be. And, I also know that we try even harder to do what is right and have the spirit in our home because we want to be worthy to be with him again. His influence in our lives truly is a "bit of heaven". What better way to teach our future children about the Plan of Salvation is there than to teach them about Tace and how we all need to work hard to be righteous so we can be reunited with him again.
We both love and miss Tace with all our hearts, but we are so grateful that we get to have him as part of our eternal family. There are still hard days, and there always will be....But when those days and moments come, we need to continue to remember that he is still ours and he is still with us. He is the "little bit of heaven" in our home.
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